Living With ADHD at 49 Years Old

I feel like I have no control.  

That's the bottom line of all this. 

My mind is racing at a thousand points of light a millisecond, and nothing connects.  Everything is spinning really, really fast.  And I'm so tired.  

And things in life go by like that too.  My brain is whizzing, but life goes by at its normal pace.  If I am emotionally and mentally a little stable, then it is better, because I feel okay, and things tend to slow down a little.  

Otherwise, I am just unmotivated and really, really tired.  Add to that a dash of fear, loathing, self doubt and a general sense of being lackadaisical, and there I am.  Not able to think of anything but myself.  

I try things that would help keep my concentration.  I listen to music.  I find that sometimes, movie soundtracks work, but it is not a given.  Sometimes loud rock works.  There is no definite.  Sometimes nothing works, and I am left in an endless loop, and my task for that moment remains undone.  

Then there is confusion and depression that accompanies this.  And when I use the word depression, it is not a general low feeling that embodies itself in a total feeling of bluesy sadness.  It is so many other things - not feeling up for anything, lack of motivation, being lazy, not wanting to do the simplest of tasks, not wanting to wash in the morning, not bothering to cook, not bothering to eat.  Its the inability to complete tasks, of putting things away, of suddenly turning to something else when you're in the middle of another thing.  Of being distracted by the slightest thing, of switching off from who you are with at the drop of a hat.  Its so difficult.  

It is also so difficult to keep track of things.  Sometimes when you're listening to someone speak to you, your mind is wondering away, thinking of some other bullshit.